This is what it looks like to have a hard time making a change

This is what it looks like to have a hard time making a change Some days I look through old posts, reminding myself of posts that Ive written that I like and that I should link to. Often, this process serves to let me procrastinate writing while pretending to be engaged in writing. If I were a body builder, this would be me looking in the mirror instead of lifting weights. Yesterday I was trolling for posts, and I remembered this one, about hiring a babysitter. I never link to it because I cant read it. I get physically ill. It was a short, stinging moment during an absolutely terrible time in my life. But a part of me likes that sting. Im the kind of girl that picks scabs off just to feel like Im alive. So you can imagine that a blog post about how to sell is not rocking my world. Its true that Ive been thinking a lot about creating more stability in my life. But its also true that in the recent post about what I learned from sales guys, I should have told you that when I met one of those sales guys on a plane, I went to a hotel and had sex with him. I had never had a one-night stand and I thought I should know what its like. And it was terrible. I like picking scabs, but its very controlled. Its hard to control a one-night stand, and it was, actually, very scary and not fun at all. I want this blog to be somewhere in between a one-night stand with a sales guy and a five-point list of sales tips. In fact, I want my life to be that way as well. A few days ago I flew to LA to get my haircut. I know that sounds crazy, but remember that I live in the middle of Wisconsin. Also, my best friend, Sharon, is in LA, and she owns a hair salon, and shes been cutting my hair for 15 years. Before I was her free-haircut-friend, a cut and color with her was about $300. So I feel like the plane ticket, together with the free haircut, is somehow still a bargain. I go there on a day the salon is closed, and we do my hair and then spend the day hanging out in Santa Monica talking. At lunch, outside, with cars driving by, I tell Sharon I need a break. I need a vacation. I have been working absolutely insane hours for the last five years. I traveled so much that when I get on a plane now, I have panic attacks. She said, What would you do on vacation? Me: Id probably wake up, take the kids to school, go to the gym, write a blog post, and then work on whatever company I was percolating. And then pick the kids up at school. So I dont really want a vacation. I want breathing room. But not a vacation. To be honest, I still work at night. I am not sure why. I think because Im interested in what people are doing. In what Im doing. I dont want to miss anything because everything is still fun. I think working at night is like picking scabs. It feels lively to solve some problems before I go to bed. Or create some. (Same way with pulling a scab, right?) After lunch, Sharon and I drove to Culver City, to get my eyebrows done. I usually go to NYC for eyebrows. But I dont want to travel anymore, so I dont want to have a hair person in LA and an eyebrow person in NY. So, as a step toward simplifying my life, I did my eyebrows in LA. I liked the place immediately because there was a whole display of gray nail polish and I know gray is the it-color for fall, and I know no one is wearing it yet in Madison, so I had high hopes for my eyebrows. But they are uneven. Sharon tried to tell me they were okay, but good friends, really, dont do that. So in the end, she didnt. And Im going back to NY next time. I know youll say, Just find someone else in LA. Its not bad advice. In fact, this is what Sharon said. But Im upset about the eyebrows, about how it turned out. Its hard to make changes, even if the changes could make my life more calm. Its so easy to convince ourselves that the change is too difficult to make. For eyebrows, for a blog, for a career.